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Thanks to all my pals who passed along this collection of canine comedy.


SIGNS YOUR DOG HAS AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM

Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit him.

Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it.

No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.

Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in "dog beers."

Used to bark -- now just belches the chorus to Louie, Louie.

-courtesy of Bradley Sykes


RULES FOR THE DOG

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

-courtesy of DJ Jacklin


SIGNS YOUR DOG IS SMARTER THAN YOU

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

Ice floating in toilet water.

Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant.

You can never find the leftovers.

The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on Animal Planet.

-courtesy of Jerry Yang



-courtesy of Su Ross

A DOG'S DIARY vs. A CAT'S DIARY

Dog's Diary - Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Dog's Diary - Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Dog's Diary - Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

-----------------------

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

-courtesy of Connie R.


DOG COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt not act half-starved whenever thou watches me eat.

Thou shalt not "water" the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thou hath found in the yard.

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat whilst she art in her litterbox.

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou hath been offended by me.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou hath been neutered).

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 am.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

-courtesy of DJ Jacklin


IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER

You would learn stuff like.....

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

-courtesy of Dave Graupner & Sherman the Wonder Dog


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE SPOILING YOUR DOG

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks, "Is this people food or dog food?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties, you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. Your don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address!



-courtesy of Pat Roberts

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that damn lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

--courtesy of Marchet Anschell


GREYT SOFTWARE?

GREYHOUND 1.0

Recently I purchased and installed GREYHOUND 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Walk 2.0.

This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Poop 8.5, however they auto-installed with GREYHOUND 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that GREYHOUND 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Nail Clipping" and "Special Treats".

Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of GREYHOUND 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall GREYHOUND 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!

THE REPLY: Dear User, Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that GREYHOUND 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not. It is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed GREYHOUND 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better.

If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C:\HIREHELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup.

A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial.

Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Chin Scratch and C:\Belly Rubs on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly.

Many GREYHOUND 1.0 users have found that the GREYHOUND operating system runs better in upgrades GREYHOUND 2.0 and GREYHOUND 3.0. Some have even gone to GREYHOUND 6.0 with wonderful results. If you continue to have problems with GREYHOUND l.0, I suggest that you consider upgrading to one of these other programs.

-courtesy of David Breen


BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?

When Titan the K-9 comes after you ...

-courtesy of Sue Ross


A GREYHOUND NAMED "MACE"

A farmer, working at home on his tractor in his yard, dropped a wrench in the tall grass. At the end of the day as it became dark, he couldn't find it and decided to call it a day and look the next morning.

That night, his retired greyhound named "Mace" ate all the tall grass in the yard.

The next morning when the farmer went out, there was the wrench glinting in the morning sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up into the heavens and proclaimed ....

(Are you ready for this?)

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

-courtesy of Mike Brady


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