Law and Disorder®
Strange Stories From Real Police And Court Files

©1995-2005 Archer & Valerie Productions.



WITHIN SPITTING DISTANCE OF A CONVICTION
A quick-thinking police sergeant helped get evidence on a man wanted for fifteen robberies, one murder and two rapes. During an undercover operation, the sergeant noticed that the suspect spit on the sidewalk. With a sample of his saliva, the police were able to link him to the rapes with a DNA match.

A GREEN THUMB AND STICKY FINGERS
Police in Columbus, Georgia are looking for a plant thief. Police think the perp has a "horticultural fetish", because he leaves valuable lawn furniture in place and steals ferns and philodendrons. He often leaves candy or trinkets behind as a sort of trade for the leafy plants.

WEAR & TEAR
A bandit who has robbed at least 19 stores in Colorado Springs uses the same method as bank robbers: a demand note. Police say he's been so busy, he's had his demand note laminated.

"SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?"
A Marshfield, Massachusetts woman thought she was dreaming when an ATM machine started spitting out tens & twenties - 45-hundred dollars worth. It's a good thing she was honest and didn't take the money and run. A silent alarm summoned police, who found her standing in a pile of cash hoping someone official would show up.

SURPRISE!
A bomb squad was dispatched when a Burtonsville, Maryland man found a suspicious electronic device in his mail box. When experts carefully removed the device it began singing "Happy Birthday". His wife had planned to sneak the gadget into his birthday cake, but it wouldn't stop singing, so she hid it in the mailbox.

INTO THE ARMS OF THE LAW
A man wanted in 15 sexual assault cases was running from police in Johannesburg. During the chase he jumped out a first floor apartment window...right on a cop, who promptly arrested him.

HEALTHY PETS ANGER VETS
A Cincinnati chiropractor faced 21 counts of practicing veterinary medicine without a license, just because she helped out a couple of dogs. Vets recommended Aiko the retriever and Sherlock the dachshund be euthanized because they were in such pain. But using chiropractic techniques, Katherine Zabinski got the dogs feeling better again. Suddenly, Zabinski found herself being investigated by the Ohio Veterinary Board.

NO ZING IN SINGH'S MOM
A Jaipur, India man watched over his mother's corpse for 4 months, thinking she may come back to life. Police made the discovery after Harpeet Singh's aunt reported that her nephew was behaving strangely.

JESUS RETURNS
A stolen statue of Jesus was anonymously returned to a church in Eastport, New York. Police traced the statue back to an 18-year-old who had converted it into a marijuana pipe.

NO FURY LIKE A FILM-MAKER SPURNED
An amateur film-maker and photograher in Sicily used his unclothed girlfriend in many of his films and photos. So when she broke off their relationship, he plastered nude photos of her all over the town of Ragusa..complete with her phone number and address. Nunzio Licuzzo was charged with abuse, duress and intent to cause damage.

WHERE'S BILL COSBY WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
A big rig loaded with pudding overturned...leaving 50-thousand pounds of chocolate & vanilla treats on I-64 near Charleston, West Virgina. Workers who helped clean up the mess were found treating themselves to a cup or two of the dessert treats. One said it's not often you can actually eat what trucks spill, citing the crash of a rig carrying rotting animal parts a week earlier...in the same spot.

PAGING ALL PERPS
An 18-year-old Chattanooga man was murdered during a robbery attempt in which the crooks got nothing more than his pager. So the police called the pager number. When the killers returned the call, it was traced to an 18- and 19-year-old who were charged with homicide.

GUMMY GIVEAWAY
They used to call police cruiser lights gum ball machines. But it was the gum balls themselves that helped nail three perps in a string of robberies in Danville, Illinois. A prison guard and two other men were arrested when stolen gum balls came tumbling out of a car police had pulled over.

THE LORD IS HIS SHEPHERD
A man who robbed a Berean Christian Book Store in Albuquerque told employees that Jesus made him do it. Perhaps Jesus made the man appear outside the store again three weeks later, so staffers could call the cops and get him arrested.

IMAGE IS EVERYTHING
Milwaukee designer George Keppler will outfit you in a County Jail jumpsuit for 69-dollars. The trendy outfit is so realistic, one customer was detained by police for several hours while a head-count was conducted at the jail.

SEND THOSE ARCHITECTS BACK TO SCHOOL
Firefighters are on guard 7am to 7pm every day at a new high school wing in Barnstable (BARN' stuh buhl), Massachusetts. No, there's no pyromania problem...just a design flaw. The school's soundproofing is so efficient, you can't hear fire alarms inside the classrooms.

ORIGINAL GRAFFITI BUSTED
The operator of Original Graffiti Busters in Fresno, California was charged with painting four-letter words on business buildings, then offering his cleanup services the next day. Police nailed the suspect in a sting operation.

MEANWHILE..."DOWN WITH COPS!"
A Swedish graffiti removal company admits that the police have done a fantastic job at stopping vandalism. The company admitted to painting graffiti around the city for the past year, just to drum up business from their city contract.

DID SOMEBODY SAY KFC?
Fresno, California police thought they had a homicide on their hands when they found a foul odor emanating from an abandoned car. After opening the trunk, they found it was full of rotting chicken wings.

IT'S BLUE, IT'S WET, IT'S WRONG
Egyptian authorities have captured a stowaway from the country of Georgia after he jumped into the Suez Canal from a Yemeni ship. Authorities say the man thought he had reached the territorial waters of the U.S.

PLEASE?
A woman who was mugged at an Albuquerque ATM pleaded with the robber to give her 20 dollars back. The robber tried to hijack her car, but it was out of gas, so he gave her back her money. Police arrested him anyway.

NOT THE BATES MOTEL
A motel clerk in Charlotsville, Virginia told police he was robbed of cash...with a butter knife. When police stressed he said "butter knife", the clerk said, "well, it was serrated!"

NEXT STOP, WHEREVER
A man made off with a bus in Monrovia, California while the driver stepped out to use a restroom. The suspect picked up and dropped off passengers during his half-hour joyride. One passenger said he appreciated the free fare, but didn't like the bus driving through red lights.

HELLO, MY NAME IS...
It wasn't hard to find a Rochester, New York bank robbery suspect. He handed the teller a note that read "Give me the money. I have a gun." It was written on the back of a court document from his lawyer concerning robbery charges and - yes - including his name and address.

YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM IF YOU TRY AND JOIN 'EM
A fugitive wanted on grand larceny and kidnapping charges has been captured after getting a little too close to the authorities. Connecticut State Police nabbed him after his rap sheet came up on a computer while he was applying to be a state trooper.

GET YOUR REST
Springfield, Missouri police responded to a burglar alarm at an auto parts store, only to find the burglar sleeping in the coffee break room. Officers say they can't figure out how he could have fallen asleep with such a loud alarm going off.

WHEN SHELTERS ATTACK
The sheriff of Greensboro, North Carolina used his weekly TV program to show footage of animals being euthanized at the Guilford County Animal Shelter. Pet adoptions increased 300-per-cent following the broadcast.

GRANITE CITY'S GRANITE BRAIN
A Granite City, Illinois man allegedly grabbed 45-hundred dollars from a bank teller's drawer and ran off. Police had the suspect within an hour, though. Officials say James Liddell left behind a 12-dollar check he was cashing - and the ID he was using to cash it.

OH, DEER!
The Woonsocket, South Dakota police department got an odd request from a citizen. He wanted the "deer crossing" signs taken down. The resident claims too many deer have been hit by cars, so their crossings should be taken away.

RENDEZVOUS WRECKAGE
A pair of bank robbery suspects in Duxbury, Masachusetts should have carpooled. They used separate cars in their getaway, and collided with each other just blocks from the bank.

NOW IT'S REALLY DIRTY
A Grand Blanc, Michigan family left their laundry out in the driveway so Grandma could pick it up and wash it. Well, Grandma was late...and the city trash service hauled seven plastic bags of clothes off to the landfill.

ERRANT AIRHEADS
Suspects in an Ohio gas station robbery just couldn't get it right. A trucker called police when he saw them counting their money in a speeding car. When they fired weapons at persuing police, they shot their own distributor cap, disabling the car. Then police found the gas station's security camera & VCR in their trunk...complete with the tape depicting their hold-up.

HI, NEIGHBOR, HAVE A HANDCUFF
An anonymous tipster told Winsted, Connecticut police to look across their own police station parking lot. They did. They saw 3-foot marijuana plants growing at the house next door. They busted two occupants for cultivation & possession.

THEY'S STIFF BUT THEY AIN'T CLAY
The Dallas Gun Club may be fined 50-dollars-per-bird for letting two-thousand target pigeons die of heat exposure. Had they shot the birds, no law would have been broken.

BATTER UP
A little leaguer went into a suburban Seattle their emergency clinic with a rather unusual problem: part of a wooden baseball bat lodged in his anal orifice. A doctor removed about 10-inches of the broken-off handle. The boy claimed he was using his bat as a temporary chair while waiting for a bus when his pants split and the bat got lodged.

UP A TREE
A pair of Bremerton, Washington police officers got laughs on the other end of their police radio when they reported their predicament. They were investigating trespassers in a treehouse when a rickety ladder broke, stranding them in a tall tree. Snickering firefighters freed the officers and three suspects with a ladder truck.

GIVE 'EM THE BIRD
Crooks who stole Harry the cockatoo from a home in Calne, England are in for a surprise. Its owner says the bird swears like a sailor.

AW, HE MISSED THE 8-TRACK PLAYER
A thief in Carlisle, Pennsylvania must be pretty disappointed with his booty from an electronics store robbery. The manager told police the eight TV sets stolen were junkers that didn't work - they used them for spare parts.

JIMINY!!!
Nearly 4-thousand people were evacuated from an industrial park near East Rutherford, New Jersey when a mailroom clerk heard a strange beeping noise eminating from a package. The bomb squad found that the package contained talking book about a cricket.

OFFICER, ARREST THY SELF
Police in Ottawa, Canada found themselves in trouble when they brought one of their patrol trucks in for repairs. The body shop refused to do the work. A computer check showed the Chevy Tahoe the police had bought at an auction ... was stolen.

NO CORN ON THE COB, PLEASE
Frankfurt, Germany police will not file charges against a dentist who used a rather unusual method to try and settle an unpaid bill. The doctor walked up to his deadbeat patient in a bar and yanked out her dentures. The next day, she paid her bill.

DE-PLANE, DE-PLANE!
A British airline pilot was charged with the false imprisonment of 40 passengers at a Milan, Italy airport. The pilot said he wouldn't let them de-plane until he got a confession from the passenger who had been smoking in the rest room. After 40 minutes - and no confession - he finally let them go ... and was arrested by police.

EGG ON THEIR FACES
Four teenagers didn't put much thought into their plan to hurl eggs at the houses of the mayor and three city council members in Oxford, Ohio. Police IDed them easily ... they bought their eggs at the only grocery store in town.

COLLARED, LITERALLY
A very unique 45-hundred-dollar necklace was stolen from a Montrose, Colorado woman during a burglary. The next day, she saw it around the neck of a teenage girl. The girl and her boyfriend were arrested, and over 20-thousand-dollars worth of stolen jewelry was recovered.

NEENER NEENER
A daring young man who was wanted on criminal charges called police in Fonda, New York and told them, "you can't catch me!" Oh, yes they could! A check of apartments in the area of the phone booth from which he called led police to his address. As the suspect returned home, he was nabbed by an officer hiding in some bushes.

WASN'T THAT JANET RENO?
A bank robber in live Oak, Florida had flowing black hair, ivory make-up, shiny black pumps and red lipstick. However, a teller recognized him as a male customer. But police didn't have to put out a dragnet. When an officer at the station called him on an unrelated matter, he broke down sobbing and confessed.

ACTION!!!
A female hiker on Horsetooth Mountain in Colorado was using an outhouse when she saw a tiny red light coming from the bottom of the pit. She realized she was being videotaped and screamed. A man wearing plastic garbage bags and wading boots popped out of a nearby manhole and disappeared into the woods.

PERPS PRENTENDED PURPLE PROMO
New York City Police arrested two men posing as agents for The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. The men were soliciting investments in a fake Central Park concert. They were whisked off the The Place Formerly Known As The Hooskow.

SSSSSSSSORRY, OFFICER
Colorado Springs officer Joe Waskom had heard it all from speed violators. Until he stopped a woman going 50 in a 35. She said she was hurrying home because her daughter's pet snake was loose in the car. Officer Waskom declined to help her search for it.

WE'D HATE TO SEE HIS LAWYER'S WAITING ROOM
A 22-year-old New York man is suing a bank teller for defamation of character. Mortimer Hetsberger says the Fleet Bank teller dissed him by telling police he threatened to shoot her...when he was robbing the bank of 33-hundred-dollars at gunpoint.

DOG FINDS WAY HOME
Larry Ledbetter assumed he'd never see his dog tag again. He'd lost it over 30 years ago in Viet Nam. But he got a call from another Viet vet who'd tracked him down on the internet. Richard Lennon had recently visited Southeast Asia and Ledbetter's dog tag was sold to him for a buck by a kid on the street.

FATHER KNOWS WORST
Jose Ramirez escaped from police custody at a Bridgeport, Connecticut hospital. 90 minutes later, his dad showed up at the police station asking for his son's personal belongings. So the police followed the dad to his car where the his fugitive son was waiting and rearrested him.

A SLIPPERY CASE
Neither police nor the management of a Tennessee hotel can come up with a motive for vandalism that caused 14-hundred-dollars damage to a hotel room. The perp had spread Vaseline over every single inch of the room.

OUR BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL TODAY IS SENTENCES...
In Nevada, stealing goods valued at over 250-dollars is a felony. Shoplifting suspect Billy Gibbs was looking at hard time for walking out of a Reno store with 254-dollars worth of goods - until he pointed out that the cologne he jacked was on sale. That lowered the total to 248-bucks, reducing the charges against him to misdemeanor petty larceny.

WAS NOT THIRTY MINUTES!
12-year-old Ellie Lammer did a little research after her mom got a parking ticket in Berkeley, California. She checked 50 parking meters and found that only 3 of them had accurate timers. 33 of them shortchanged the parkers.

CAN I CHECK THAT TIRE PRESSURE FOR YOU TODAY?
A gas station near Atlantic city was robbed by some rather competent thieves. After handcuffing the staff and locking them in a washroom, one man rifled through a cash register and cigarette machine while the other cheerfully waited on customers...checking oil, washing windows, and offering service with a smile. No one got suspicious and the crooks are still at large.

BOOM LOWERED ON FISHERMAN
A Freeport, Texas fisherman thought he was doing his civic duty turning in what he thought was an old smoke bomb used for practice. But the device which had been trapped in his nets turned out to be the real thing. When experts detonated it, the blast rattled walls up to six miles away. The fisherman was charged with endangering the city, which is full of volatile chemical plants.

CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN
A Brazilian burglar was humiliated on national TV after getting stuck in an iron grille when he tried to break into a house. Firefighters had to cut him free while crowds and cameras gathered. The national TV news opened with Marco Santos stuck in the bars with his dark brown pants ripped back and his bright white underwear showing.

"HEY, I'VE BEEN PAGED BY 911"
The burglar who used a roof vent to get into an Albuquerque computer store left a little evidence behind. A pizza delivery hat, bloody fingerprints, and a pager, complete with a message to call home and his home number.

BOOK HIM, PARTNER
When Lin Nashikami got home from the store, there was a thief in his apartment - but there was no need to fear. The perp was being held down by Nashikami's 100-pound German Shepherd. The crook had broken into the apartment of a Tokyo K-9 officer.

NEXT TIME, BRING THE BENADRYL
A robbery suspect who ditched a car during a police chase in Calgary, Canada picked the wrong place to hide. While officers searched tall grass near the abandoned car, they heard a sneeze. When an officer located him, the crook - suffering from a hayfever attack - was pinching his nose to keep from sneezing again.

THANKS, SON
It was an easy collar for police in Houston, Texas, who were watching a security video at a freshly-robbed convenience store. While the owner and officers watched the tape, an onlooker said to his mother, "Hey look, Mom! Daddy's on TV!"

FINGERING A PERP
An Oldham, England woman staved off an attack while she was jogging by biting off the tip of her assailant's finger. Authorities soon had a suspect in custody, working from the best fingerprint evidence they'd ever had.

MY GUN'S BIGGER THAN YOURS
The police chief of Coggon, Iowa is fully equipped to head the war on crime - except for a pistol. Linn County Sheriff Don Zeller says he can't issue Chief Chuck Lewis a gun because of a 1995 assault conviction. The chief says it's OK, though, county law lets him carry around a shotgun instead.

OOPS, WRONG BIKE
It wasn't hard for five bicycle cops in Columbus, Georgia to find the thief who made off one of their bikes from a local KFC. The dead giveaway: the word "police" painted on the bike.

BANG! YOU'RE DEAD!
Teenagers in Navarino, Wisconsin will think twice about dropping M-80s into mailboxes. A 17-year-old boy was struck by a piece of metal when he and his friends blew up a box, and died from a severed artery in the neck.

HAVE IT YOUR WAY
A man robbing a Portland, Connecticut Burger King restaurant ran off when he heard alarms go off in the middle of his heist. The loud beeping was the timer on a microwave oven.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?
Four L.A. teenagers saw a man sitting in a parked BMW and thought he'd be the perfect subject for a carjacking. But the driver didn't comply when they ordered him out of the car. He was dead. One of the kids was so spooked he called police and told them the whole story.

MOONING FOR BEER
A Helsinki, Finland man broke the window of a grocery store and attempted to crawl through the hole backwards to steal some beer. Police found him with his arms flailing wildly and his butt stuck in the broken glass.

IS THIS "DUMBO"?
A 380-pound 5-foot man went into a rage when he sat on some gum in a movie seat in Bellevue, Nebraska. He turned a family film into an R-rated adventure when he ripped off his pants and stomped around the theater screaming for the manager, eventually smashing a glass poster cabinet. Police charged him with criminal mischief.

RETURN OF RIN TIN TIN
After a German Shepherd disappeared in a swanky Boston neighborhood, its owners got a call demanding ransom. The pet owners declined, but called police. An hour later, their doorbell rang, and there was the dog, tied to the rail on their front porch by a rope stained with human blood from what police assume were dog bites.

ESCAPING AGAINST THE WIND
Police are looking for a man who robbed a Bank One in Lafayette, Colorado. His only words were, "give me all your money." The robber, dressed in a tuxedo, attracted no one's suspicions outside during his getaway, because he appeared to be a professional mime. He even performed for a group of children before disappearing into a busy sidewalk.

I READ YOU LOUD & CLEAR
North Bend, Oregon police easily located some thieves who had jacked some goods from a big rig. Sgt. Kent Sandberg was listening to a CB receiver in his cruiser when he heard one crook radio another, "Hey, I bet that cop back there doesn't know this stuff is stolen!!!"

HAIL THE CAB DRIVER
An Oslo, Norway burglar stole so much loot, he needed help hauling it come. So he called a cab. The taxi driver helped him load the stuff into the car, helped him get it into his house, and then - knowing all along what was going on - called the police.

MY MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
An Illinois man is accused of kidnapping a motorist and forcing him to drive to two ATM machines. At both machines, the suspect withdrew money from his own bank account.

I USED TO HAVE A SHIRT JUST LIKE THAT
A Kalamazoo, Michigan man is in custody after a recently-robbed couple saw him walk by their house...wearing clothes that were stolen from them. Police say the suspect is responsible for several neighborhood burglaries.

MORE KALAMAZOO AND KITTY, TOO
Also from the Kalamazoo 911 files: C.C. the cat is a hero, after her 75-year-old owner suffered a diabetic blackout. The cat loudly meowed and licked Elsie Massey's face, until she awakened and was able to reach her blood-glucose meter. A Borgess Medical Center nurse says Massey may have slipped into a coma and died if the cat hadn't been so persistent.

MISQUOTE
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot!" The suspect shouted, "That's not what I said!"

BOOM!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach, Virgina got a nasty surprise when a dye pack exploded in his underwear. Police say the crook stuffed the money down his pants before he fled the bank. His charred pants are in custody.

AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to lure a barricaded a gunman from his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

I'LL (FINGER)NAIL YA!!!!
Tellers laughed as a security guard easily cuffed a would-be bank robber in Modesto, California. The man used his thumb and forefinger to simulate a gun....but he forgot to hide his hand in his pocket.

ONE MAN'S CEILING IS ANOTHER MAN'S FLOOR
A flamenco dancer in Madrid, Spain should have practiced outside. Just as he was rehearsing his frantic foot-stomping dance, the floor gave way sending him crashing into the apartment below him. The downstairs tenant...who was eating breakfast...was killed by a neck fracture.

POCKET THE DIFFERENCE
An 18-year-old Memphis, Tennessee defendant faced a fine for driving with a suspended license. But when he raised his hand to swear to tell the whole truth, a package fell from his sports jacket: a plastic bag containing over a gram of cocaine. Now the teenager faces up to 12 years in the slammer.

THE BEAT GOES ON
Something got switched in a Boston, Massachusetts police property room, and a drug suspect was allowed to go free. When federal prosecutors went to play a cassette of authorized wiretaps for jurors, nothing could be found on the tape but Sonny & Cher songs.

OH, BABY
The Canyon, Texas justice of the peace was alarmed to discover what appeared to be a dead baby while he was out fishing. He ordered the body to be packed on ice and taken to Lubbock for an autopsy, where they determined it was a plastic doll.

SHOW ME THE MONEY
Etta Stevens of Tampa, Florida is suing her bank. She claims a misprinted monthly statement showed her money market account had gone from 20-thousand-dollars to zero, causing her to suffer a coronary.

YOU'LL GET A BANG OUT OF OUR CLOTHING DEPARTMENT
Scotch Plains, New Jersey police chief Thomas O'Brien has fined himself 15-hundred-bucks for accidentally leaving a loaded gun in the dressing room of a Watchung department store. The next customer to use the stall thought it was a toy and fired it.

THAT'LL BE TWO JELLY DONUTS FOR THE KEY
An off-duty cop in Manhattan was locked up in his own handcuffs by his sons as he slept on the couch. Unfortunately, the key he'd been carrying for the cuffs all these years didn't work, and he had to walk to the nearest precinct house to get them unlocked.

EVIDENCE TO SPARE
Four members of a Yonkers, New York bowling team subdued a burglary suspect and held him until police could make an arrest. Knowing one of their team mates had recently been burglarized, they knew they'd found the crook when they saw the suspect walking down the street wearing a team jacket.

AND IT PLAYS REALLY, REALLY FAST
A portable cassette player purchased at a Bountiful, Utah second-hand store wasn't operating properly. When a service technician opened the machine, 200-thousand-dollars worth of cocaine was found strapped under its button mechanism.

A REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE
Providence, Rhode Island police had no trouble locating an accused ATM mugger named Mark White. He'd dropped his wallet after forcing a man to withdraw cash. Using the photo on his license, detectives easily identified him a couple of blocks from the scene.

ALL CHOKED UP
A Buffalo, New York purse snatcher - nabbed by police - thought he'd destroy the evidence by swallowing the money he stole from a purse. The suspect choked to death in the back of a police cruiser.

CREAM AND SUGAR?
A 93-year-old Des Moines, Iowa woman put one over on a burglar she found in her home. She pretended she thought the thief was a friend of her grandson's and invited him to breakfast. While the crook sat down for a cup of coffee, she went to her bedroom and called police, who arrested her guest on burglary charges.

GREETINGS & SALUTATIONS
Jean-Claude Ferrier may go down in history as Canada's stupidest bank robber. Ferrier was easily convicted of stealing from a British Columbia bank when prosecutors presented his hand-written stick-up note as evidence. It read: "Dear teller: Put all your money in a bag and give it to me or I will shoot you. Thank you, Jean-Claude Ferrier."

UNSAFE HIDEAWAY
A car thief suspect in Berlin (BER-luhn), Connecticut ditched a car and ran when police gave chase. Police notified an off-duty state trooper that the crook was possibly hiding somewhere in his neighborhood. He was. Trooper Matt McCullogh found the suspect hiding in his garage. Michael Ropiak faces charges for car theft & drugs...and, yes, breaking & entering.

IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT'S SPELLED
A 20-year-old St. Louis man was arrested for using a stolen credit card. A suspicious clerk asked the man his name, and he couldn't even come close to "John Einspanier", which was printed on the card.

UP ON THE ROOFTOP
Fort Worth, Texas police responded to a complaint that there was noise on the roof of a couple's home. It didn't turn out to be a burglar, but someone trying to make a secret visit to the teenage girl in the house. Police found the boyfriend of the couple's daughter caught in the chimney.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Manhattan police finally caught up with a man who'd been robbing Dunkin' Donut shops. His name was Duncan. His accomplice: Howard Johnson.

DIDN'T I SEE YOU ON DREW CAREY'S SHOW?
41-year-old Valerie Nordstrom has been found guilty of a reduced sentence of "improper driving" by a Fairfax, Virginia judge. Nordstrom had originally been charged with reckless driving - for applying mascara during a heavy rainy-day rush-hour commute.

DUE FOR DENTENTION
A Windsor, Ontario student will probably be staying after school a while. The 13-year-old is accused of stealing his teacher's car. Police were tipped off when the obviously underage suspect drove the teacher's Saab into a gas station and asked for an oil change.

I SHOULDA USED THE HARLEY
A thief in Long Island City, New York who drove a vintage Volkwagen Beetle attempted to pull an ATM machine out of a bank wall by chaining it to his car with grapple hooks. Instead, his bumper was torn off. And he left it at the scene. Complete with his license plate. Which police used to bust him.

KISS THIS
Lip prints have been used to convict a man in Norfolk, Virginia. Lab results said prints supplied by a suspect matched those found on the window of a woman who reported a peeping tom. The perp got five months.

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME
Using his real name, Michael Zellmer talked to a TV reporter live from his favorite Rockford, Illinois watering hole. An off-duty police detective watching the news thought Zellmer looked familiar, and then realized he'd seen him on a fax describing a murder fugitive. Zellmer has gone from ratchetjawing at his bar to waiting behind bars for extradiction to Georgia on a murder warrant.

WHERE EVERBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME II
Convenience store robbery suspect Matt Lewiss should have worn a baseball cap. When he held up a Stop-n-Go in a suburb of Houston, the clerk clearly saw L-E-W-I-S-S tatooed to his forehead. He was the only Lewiss by that spelling in the area, and police had him in custody within an hour.

HAVE IT YOUR WAY
A Deltona, Florida man expected to find some change at the bottom of his Burger King takeout bag...but not four-thousand-dollars! It seems an employee accidentally used a bag containing the restaurant's bank deposit. Henry Snowden returned the money, and the staff gave him a free lunch.

HOOPS-A-DAISY
It's a scam that's been pulled many times. A seemingly delusional pregnant woman asks passersby for help. While she distracts a would-be samaritan, an accomplace lifts the helper's wallet. But when Daisy Jordon attempted to pull the scam on New York's upper west side, an off-duty detective dining al fresco noticed that a basketball was showing through her stretched-out shirt. The detective volunteered to help - and gracefully handcuffed her accomplice when a hand dipped into his back pocket.

HO HO HO, TOE TOE TOE
Women in Glastonbury, Connecticut are being warned to keep their doors & windows locked. Someone is sneaking intio sleeping women's bedrooms in the middle of the night and ... tickling their feet! Police say the unknown "serial tickler" has struck 11 times in the last 4 years.

HEADS I WIN, TAILS YOU LOSE
42-year-old Sahlim Karah has been arrested in Edmonton, Canada for pocketing some change. Karah was a transit worker who repaired coin-operated ticket machines. Police say over a dozen years Karah has pocketed 37-tons of coins...2-million-dollars worth!

LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE
It should have been a bank holiday. A Richmond, Virginia bank closed shortly after opening because it was robbed. After a thorough police investigation, the bank reopened. Minutes later, another crook showed up and robbed it.

MOTHS HELP COLLAR SUSPECT
A bank teller in Madison, Wisconsin noticed that a robber who was boasting about the .357 Magnum in his pocket was exaggerating. Through an apparently moth-eaten sport coat pocket, she could see a large Tootsie Roll posing as the alleged gun barrel. The perp was easily subdued by a bank guard.

...OR ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME?
A Tokyo man with an overwhelming fear of drowning invented some inflatable underpants for himself. The life-saving scivvies inflate to 30 times their normal size. Unfortunately, they went off accidentally in a crowded subway car. They had to be pierced with a pencil to keep bystanders from being crushed.

CAT NAP BURGLAR
Pittsburg police say a woman came home to her ransacked house and found the burglar snoozing away in a third-floor bedroom. She quietly called police who arrested an embarassed Walter Morgano.

PORK RINDS LAND WOMAN IN CEMETERY
Melissa Smith of Conway, Arkansas blacked out while driving after she choked on a pork rind. When she regained consciousness, she was sitting in her idling car in the middle of a graveyard. Plowing down four headstones caused 4000-dollars damage to her car.

DUMB, DUMBER & DUMBEST
Three men who pulled off a 300-thousand-dollar heist at New York's World Trade Center pulled off their ski masks before they had cleared the security cameras. When the footage ran on TV, 60 of their Brooklyn neighbors identified them to the police.

HO HO HO, TO JAIL I GO
A man passed out flyers for a "976" number at elementary schoolyards in New York State. The flyers claimed to contain "Santa Claus' official Christmas list hotline". Howard Milford was convicted of telephone fraud...and ordered to shave off his white Santa beard by the prosecuting judge.

TAKING A BITE OUT OF CRIME?
Charlotte, North Carolina spent 50-thousand-dollars training Dirigo, a labrador who sniffs out evidence in arson investigations. Unfortunely, once Dirigo hit the streets, it turned out the K-9 hated kids. After nearly attacking a 7-year-old, Dirigo has been transfered to Argentina as an airport guard.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN STUPID...
Joseph Rincon of Garden Grove, California is in deep, deep trouble. Police impounded his car - which contained a TV, stereo & microwave - after they caught him doing 70 in a 40-mile-per-hour zone. They told him he'd have to claim the appliances in the car at the police station. When Rincon showed up to claim his items, Police noticed he was now driving a car that had been reported stolen. And they informed him his appliances had been indentified as being stolen in a recent burglary.

HYPNO-BARBIES
32-Year-Old Martin Clever told police he burglarized a Lakewood, Colorado home because some dolls told him to. He said two naked dolls on the lawn were pointing toward an open sliding glass door, instructing him to go inside. Clever was remanded to psychiatric observation.

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM
Kevin Lee Wallace of Oxnard, California was pulled over for driving 78 in a 55-mile-per-hour speed zone. While the officer was writing his ticket, Wallace's three-year-old son reached over and handed the cop a small bag of marijuana, saying, "Here! Bad!" The officer cited Wallace for speeding, pot possession and child endangerment - the boy was not fastened into a car seat.

DIAL "S" FOR STUPID
Two teenagers were arrested in Newport, Kentucky for robbing a pizza delivery man. Police say the perps used their real phone number and robbed the clerk at their own apartment.

DON'T MIND ME...
While police were doing paperwork on a shoplifting case at a store in Ceres, California, one officer noticed a man picked up a box and headed for the door without going through a cash register. Officers trailed him to a nearby apartment where they recovered the box...and items from the shoplifting they were investigating.

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW
A Buenos Aires, Argentina man tried to kill his wife by pushing her from their eighth-story apartment window, but she became entangled in power lines. When he tried to kick her out of the wires, he slipped and fell to his death. His wife freed herself and climbed back into the apartment.

TESTING, 1, 2, 3 STATES...
A York, Pennsylvania man rode his bicycle into a Ford dealership and asked to test drive an Escort. The salesman handed him the keys and told him to take as long as he'd like. He did. Police arrested him 400 miles away from York 24-hours later. The dealership has decided not to press charges because the the salesman didn't specify a time to return the car...and the suspect has decided he'll buy it.

PARTY GIRLS
Three women who made a man withdraw 500-dollars from his ATM at gunpoint made a slight mistake. After ripping off Gerald Parish, they discussed where they were going to party. Police picked them up at the club they mentioned.

YOU WANT THE STEMS & SEEDS REMOVED?
A pot dealer must have been sampling too much of his own product. He was arrested after a worker found three pounds of marijuana instead of clothes in bag he dropped off at the cleaners. Police found another 80-thousand bucks worth of pot at the suspect's Vero Beach, Florida home.

RUN FOR THE BORDER
A man who held up a San Ysidro, California bank ran on foot toward the nearby Mexican border with his 16-hundred-dollar booty. But just a few feet from Mexico, two men jumped out of an unmarked car wielding guns. The thief handed over his bag of money, only to discover that the two men were robbers, too.

JACKIN' JIVE VOL. I
A gang that robbed at least 5 credit unions in the L.A. area got busted by giving themselves away to police. An off-duty officer heard the punks in a restaurant recounting their robberies in the form of a rap song.

JACKIN' JIVE VOL. II
A gang that robbed banks in Sacramento, California used some of the money to start a rap record label. They, too, recounted the tales of their crimes in their CD releases. Police were listening...and busted 'em.

HI, HONEY, LOOK WHAT I'VE BROUGHT YOU
A Spanish-speaking father & daughter weren't sure what a gun-toting robber was demanding in a Disney World parking lot. So they gave the edgy crook the bag they were carrying. The mugger made off with some chocolates and a box of tampons.

THE CHARGE IS INTERFERING
A Long Beach, California police officer was fined a month's pay for harrassing a motorist. Ed Burt's discipline came after he issued 43 tickets to one woman over a one-month period. The woman is his mother-in-law.

FUMBLING IN THE DARK
Three burglars in Florence, Alabama thought they'd make a cleaner getaway if they kept their headlights turned off. They drove their car into a muddy irrigation ditch. And when they called for a tow truck, a county deputy was dispatched. He noticed their car was full of stolen items and arrested them.

BAGGING A BANK BANDIT
A bank teller in Mainz, Germany did exactly what a robber told her...almost. He demanded she fill a money bag. Minutes later he was on the street...with a bag full of trash!

INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA PAY YOU
A Lathrop, California family found a bag of cash at a service station and turned it over to authorities. The bag contained 800 dollars & a passport belonging to a Shasta County clothing importer. He made a special trip to the Senden family's home & gave them a hundred bucks.

INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA KILL YOU
A Calcutta, India man who claimed he walked on hot coals was actually using a bed of ash with red Christmas lights underneath it. During the end of one of his walks he hit exposed electrical wires and began to shake uncontrollably. A bystander, thinking he was getting burned, dowsed him with water, killing him by electrocution.

MED STUDENT?
A would-be crook tried to hold up a bank in Pearl River, New York but the teller couldn't read his handwriting. She passed the hold-up note to another teller who also couldn't decipher it. By the time a third employee was consulted, the thief had left the bank.

BLOWN AWAY?
Two men attempted to hold up passengers on a bus in Brazil using a hair dryer. A passenger pulled out a real gun and shot them both, killing one.

SUCKED AWAY?
43-year-old George Foster was charged with attempting to hold up a Branford, Connecticut Wal-Mart store. The "weapon" he had hidden inside a bakery bag turned out to be a Dust Buster.

MUGSY
A Salem, Oregon movie theater offered half-price tickets to anyone who came dressed as a Hollywood star. 400 people took advantage of the offer, including a man dressed as Edward G. Robinson who held up the box office.

YOU BLINK, YOU LOSE
Police in Yuba City, California had no trouble finding a drug-dealing suspect. When they raided his house, he ran into the thick woods behind it...wearing athletic shoes with built-in flashing strobe lights.

GIFT OF STEALING
It was a Christmas nightmare. Two days before the holiday, all the Stacker family presents were stolen from under the tree in their Idaho home. Christmas eve, Larry Stacker, his wife, and their caroling group were invited into a neighbor's house to sing. There they saw their presents under the neighbor's tree. Another member of the caroling group, the assistant chief of police, made the arrests.

©1995-2005 Archer & Valerie Productions.